Why do old people ask about marriage and kids every CNY? We interrogate them.

CNY is coming and those of you celebrating are probably super excited to go home and collect your angpaos and eat your weight in pineapple tarts.

But some of you might be a little more… hesitant. Because balik kampung also means gearing up for the annual family Q&A session. Yep, the one where your uncles and aunties and grandparents line up with variations of the following questions:

• Where’s your girlfriend ah?
• No baby yet?
• When’s the promotion?

Since time immemorial, we’ve all been plagued with these questions and the biggest question is WHY? What exactly are these lovely above 50 people looking for when they unleash their nosy interrogations on us? So to crack the code of this great big mystery, we went straight to the source:

• Desi, 61, is a doting mother, aunt and grandmother who loves to cook for her family
• Rahim, 58, has no kids of his own but makes time to tease his nieces and nephews
• Wong, 73, looks forward to CNY every year since most of her kids and family live overseas
• Sinna, 64, lives overseas but tries to make it back for every family reunion

That’s right. We cornered a couple of older people and flipped the script to grill them with our own probing questions. To start, we asked the all important…

 

What are old people’s favourite questions to ask?

Spoiler alert: It’s all about life milestones. Like, 100% laser-focused on where you are on the Great Malaysian Checklist of Adulting™. Doesn’t matter if it’s delivered sweetly, through nagging or with straight up brutal honesty, the theme across the board is the same.

“I only ask ‘Are you eating well’, ‘How’s your health’… okay, sometimes I ask if got boyfriend or got money,” – Desi

“I like to ask ‘Bila nak kahwin’. If already kahwin, I’ll change the question to ‘Bila nak ada anak’. If already got anak, then it’s ‘Bila nak tambah lagi satu’. There’s always a next step, right,” – Rahim

“To be honest, nothing much, just ‘When you’re getting married’ since every time I see them no one is married yet. Sometimes I ask ‘How much you make a month’ to know if they have enough money or ‘When are you buying a house’. Can’t wait too long because house prices [are] always rising,” – Wong

As Rahim puts it, there’s always a next step. True enough, everyone we interviewed had questions that seem to stem from this belief that life progresses in a neat little order of relationship, marriage, house, kids, and so on.

But for the person on the receiving end of these questions, it can feel like you’re always chasing after something, and what you’ve already accomplished is simply not enough. And that’s frustrating!!

So naturally, we had to dig deeper to understand…

 

Why do older people love asking these probing questions?

You know it. This writer knows it. We all know it regardless of the grumbling and whining we do. At the heart of it, the questions come from genuine concern.

“I want to hear that you’re doing well… If I don’t ask, how will I know what’s happening in your life?” – Wong

“Why? To catch up lah. What else are we supposed to talk about after asking ‘Sudah makan’?” – Rahim

Just like how we catch up with our peers with bland questions like ‘How’s work?’ older folks have their own set of default questions that act as follow-up to the usual small talk. And in a manner of speaking, they’re family, they’re always going to want to know where you are in life! It’s not like you’re letting them peek at your Twitter or Instagram to catch up on all your updates anyway

And then there’s this idea that as the elders in the family, they see themselves as mentors. Like they’ve lived through and experienced most of the stuff you’re going through now. So asking those tough questions is just their way of offering advice or lending a hand whenever they can.

“First, I enjoy listening to them and next, I want to know if I can be helpful in some way,” – Sinna

But whether or not getting married or having kids are decisions that call for their help is a different story altogether. For some of us, just navigating work and daily life feels like more than enough. Different generations, different priorities lah, let’s keep it at that. But still, after countless repetitions of the same ol’ question and our half-hearted sometimes annoyed answers, you’d think they’d catch on…

 

Do older people know that their questions are too nosy?

Would it shock you if we said yes, they actually do?

“To say too nosy or too probing is wrong. It’s my job to ask. If I don’t ask, who will?… It’s just my way of showing love,” – Wong

“Yes, I have tone down and held back,” – Desi

“Maybe a bit,” – Rahim

“Yes, sometimes I think the questions can be too much,” – Sinna

Yep, your uncles and aunties aren’t as clueless as you think. In fact, they kinda know their questions about your love life, career, and lack of offspring might make you wanna disappear into the void. But they ask anyway, because they see it as an obligation.

And with that kinda insight, it did make us wonder…

 

What kind of reactions/answers are they hoping to get?

Turns out, they’re just hoping for one thing: Happy news.

“I’m hoping for good news. Maybe something exciting happened in your life. I want to hear that you’re doing well,” – Wong

“Honest answers. I just need to know that the children are happy,” – Sinna

And if we were to really get into all the serious nitty gritty stuff, older people know that they won’t be around forever and that’s why they ask a lot of these milestone questions. They basically want to feel reassured that you’ve got things sorted and are ready to handle life on your own.

“Guess as we grow older we understand we’re not going to be around forever, rather our time is limited so I like to see my kids and their cousins in a more secure position in this world with some good support system eg. a spouse, new family members, some financial independence, learning new coping skills,” – Desi

So now that you know what motivates them to ask these questions, we’ll leave you with one last one…

 

Next time, will you answer those questions differently?

For most older people, asking about marriage and kids has become its own balik kampung tradition. Sure, it might feel repetitive and a little pointless to us, but they only get to catch up with you a few times a year. To them, those questions are always fresh and new and exciting (as confirmed by this writer’s mom).

But we get it, it’s not exactly fair that we’re always the ones expected to be understanding while they dive headfirst into the conversational danger zone. Just try (with all the patience of a Buddha) to remember that they’re asking because they care. And if the questions make you too uncomfy just tahan lah. Or lie. Or ask for money. And on that note…

Happy Chinese New Year guys! May your pineapple tarts be endless, your angpows be forever fat, and your patience… well, stronger than Bruce Lee’s kung fu