I was so socially awkward in sekolah menengah, I talked to trees. Here’s my story.

Growing up in Malaysia, most of us experience what every Asian parent calls ‘being shy’. To them, it is a natural phase in life, one which we will eventually grow out of in time. For most of us, we really did. For the rest of us, the hurdle of social awkwardness still looks as monstrous as ever.

Those very walls keep us intensely self-conscious and afraid of human interaction. It’s kinda like being shy, except you just accidentally ate expired ganja and are having the worst trip ever. This is what I like to call, THE BIG SAD. Formally however, it is actually known as S.A.D (Social Anxiety Disorder) by psychologists.

The name’s Derek, self-proclaimed philosophy sifu and amateur weirdo. I also happen to be one of 5-12% of the general population affected by the big S.A.D. Since learning about it however, I’d like to think I’ve come a long way from the little kid that was too scared to receive angpaus and say Gong Xi Fa Cai after. For that story, we’ll have to start from the beginning…

From friendly kid in kindergarten to awkward weirdo in sekolah menengah

Although I was more outgoing in kindergarten, being surrounded by new kids in sekolah rendah became my ‘beginning-of-the-end’.

The moment I entered sekolah rendah, my social skills basically became non-existent. Like, people had to talk to me first or I’d just never be physically able to make convos. Having been separated from my kindergarten friends and put in a new place, I think that overwhelmed me. So much so, that I cried on my first day lmao.

I’d eventually realize I wasn’t very relatable to talk to either, and that turned me into an insecure and self-conscious timid kiddo. Since I mostly kept to myself, my knowledge of school kid culture lacked stupendously. Heck, I didn’t even know the eraser flip game was a thing until I was 11-years-old.

Being so perasan, low self-esteem caused me to try to control how people would see me in every way possible. I’d never sit in the front of class cuz someone once said my head was big. I thought my shoes weren’t ‘hip’ enough, so I changed them to the NORTH STAR Converse-looking shoes.

I grew from smol s.a.d to BIG S.A.D because I literally fed into the mental disorder. It got so bad, I couldn’t be in places where there were crowds. Especially places where you were expected to talk to other people. Larian Kampus was prison, Karnival Day was literally hell.

You know, as a kid, rehat was like everybody’s favorite school period. 30 minutes of no teaching, plenty of eating and playing. Ironically, rehat was the worst for me. I could never muster up the courage to just… walk to the canteen. Either because I had no friends to sit with or I was scared I’d be looked at and criticized for having no friends.

During rehat, I’d just seclude myself to some random place I deemed my ‘hangout’ spot. Sometimes it was the toilet, sometimes the library, sometimes I’d just walk around. I either ate alone, or just didn’t eat at all because APPARENTLY YOU COULDN’T EAT ANYWHERE ELSE THAT WASN’T THE CANTEEN. Courtesy of the prefects stalking everyone like their only fan(s).

It got so bad, I started talking to myself

When you’re socially awkward, your daily life and personal health can be affected. You’d probably avoid social interactions, which results in you having no friends. Having no friends makes you feel awful, and feeling awful makes your mental health decline. That’s what happened to me.

No, literally, I pretended like I could see ghosts or talk to trees cuz I thought it’d make me cool and get me attention. It was like validation. A short-term fix for my weak confidence. I had a very serious need for attention, so much so I came off as abnormal.

Sekolah menengah was when my big S.A.D peaked. Puberty made me overthink pretty much everything. Scared to join club meetings, being left out in group conversations, walking alone, how my hair looks, you name it.

I was pretty much the same as I was in sekolah rendah, except my mental health dropped for the worse. I became much more self-aware about whether I was normal or weird.

What was my reason? You probably already know. So, what does avoiding social interactions and feeling inadequate do to you? It can lead to depression and negativity. It did just that to me, when I made being depresso-expresso my entire personality. I wrote sad poems and preached about nihilism like I was on TED-talk. Completely bonkers.

I fell into a depression because other people were like divine beings to me

You see, most sekolah menengahs have a thing called kokurikulum, a.k.a koko. Basically, after-school activities and clubs which everyone are forced to join. I never attended a single koko until I was Form 3 (15-years-old), where I had no choice but to join as to not affect my already BOMBASTICALLY-sorry grades.

A few seniors eventually told me to attend, but the thing is, having a tremendous lack of confidence made me have a serious case of sensitivity towards criticism.

Strangers were like godly beings I couldn’t even approach. So now imagine this. I’ve just been told I need to be in a room probably full of people like that. Oh yeah, spice it up with being socially awkward as well.

I literally stood outside the door, paralyzed. Every stimuli made me overthink a million times over. The windows were covered with curtains from the inside and it would sway once in a while. The noise made it seem like there were dozens of people in that room. I was literally a deer stuck in headlights. My hand was on the handle and I could not for the life of me, turn it.

I stood there forever, walking back and forth occasionally just contemplating how pathetic I am. I wanted to run away, and I did. Alas, I didn’t attend the meeting. All because I was too damned scared to open a door. Negativity fell over me almost immediately after. The kind where if you fell too deep, you’d never make it out alive. I was just so imperfect, and all I wanted to be was enough. To have what people have.

Friends.

SMK was a difficult time in my life, especially now when I look back at it. I wouldn’t change anything tho, because who I was then, made me who I am now.

I eventually got better through the power of “semangat lah sikit”

Slight disclaimer, I was not actually professionally diagnosed with social anxiety. From what I have experienced though, all things pointed towards the big S.A.D. I cannot provide guaranteed advice on self-improvement. What worked for me might not work for you, but it might just help you figure it out.

Thankfully, a friend of mine managed to convince me I wasn’t just an absolute bum. To her credit tho, I had to go through quite a berating to be convinced so. And that’s the problem.

I’ve noticed that people with mental issues like mine tend to have pessimistic and deprecating thought processes. We only see the negative stuff in things, and always rejecting the positive. The tough nut to crack is getting to our heads. A person can be lectured a million times over, but if they themselves are unwilling to get better, they simply won’t get better.

Imagine a battle between two opposing sides: hope and fear. Hope represents all your dreams and desires, while fear represents the hopelessness, doubts, and anxiety. Ideally, hope should triumph over fear, but not entirely overwhelm it. It’s a thin line between the two, where hope should prevail by a greater margin of say, 60/40.

The want to help yourself is everything in self-improvement. I know it sounds hella cliche, but hear me out. Your hope for a brighter future must surpass the fear that constantly haunts you. You shouldn’t completely abandon your fears but rather, acknowledge it. Hope is like a lighthouse guiding you through the dark. You should greet it with open arms, allowing it to motivate you to overcome hurdles and achieve change.

It probably won’t happen today, or tomorrow. But it will soon and eventually. I realized if I am just empty and scared all the time, I’d never get better. The thought of it made me think that perhaps, I’d like to see the sun once in a while than be gloomy.

Mentality is the key to making peace with social anxiousness, at least to me. By adopting a mindset of determination, we can nurture hope and strength even during uncertain times. It’ll take conscious effort to achieve yeah, but we just gotta keep it pushin’. Each small push accumulates eventually; gradually decreasing the influence of social awkwardness on us.

Sometimes, I’m still that extremely self-aware kid with zero presence, but more often than not now, I’m willing to care more about what I want as well as acting on it. Being socially awkward doesn’t mean you or I can’t be human. Much better so, we’re freakin royalty. Take it from actress-comedian, Aubrey Plaza.

“If you feel like a weirdo, it’s okay because weirdos rule the world,” – Aubrey Plaza