Wanna be a Little Napoleon? Here’s 4 great gomen jobs for you

Are you a highly assertive person? Do you enjoy flexing your authority over others? Are you well-versed in the art of coming up with arbitrary rules? If you answered ‘yes’ to all of those questions, congratulations! You might have a bright future as a Little Napoleon in various government departments!

To find out which role you’re most suited for, check out the lineup of gomen jobs we have for you below, along with the regular duties that’ll be expected of you and some benefits you’ll have as a tinpot tyrant. All the best!

1. Security Guard

Official job duties:

• Look out for potential troublemakers
• Monitor security footage
• Patrol premises from time to time
• Respond to emergencies as needed

Little Napoleon benefits:

• Enforce your own arbitrary interpretation of the dress code even though you weren’t asked to by your superiors. It shows initiative on your part, and who do these harlots think they are anyway, trying to enter a government building in knee-length skirts?
• Remember: use the rules as an excuse to be rude, especially towards senior citizens and kids. If you’re tasked to keep a FRIM park safe, make sure to kick out any big groups of visitors who failed to apply for a permit three days in advance. Exercising tact is highly optional.

2. Religious Enforcement Officer

Official job duties:

• Receive reports on arrestable offenses
• Engage in investigation and intelligence work
• Go on patrols for the prevention of immoral activities

Little Napoleon benefits:

• Arrest a bunch of LGBT (or suspected LGBT) Halloween partygoers and proceed to interrogate them for hours, asking them personal and humiliating questions like ‘have you had unnatural sex’, ‘why is your voice like this’ and ‘have you had surgery done or taken hormone pills’.
• Raid a Malay wedding to apprehend transgender guests, then pressure them into pleading guilty for crossdressing. It’s absolutely criminal that any man would think to wear women’s clothing.
• Break down and enter a civilian’s apartment unit without a warrant if you suspect that they might be ‘too close’ with someone of the opposite sex ‘in an isolated place’. Offer zero apologies when you find out your suspect wasn’t even home that day – never appear weak in the eyes of the public!

3. School Headmaster/Headmistress

Official job duties:

• Oversee educational programs prepared by teachers
• Ensure healthy communication between teachers and parents
• Build collaborative learning culture with other schools
• Develop links within the local community

Little Napoleon benefits:

• Ban students of minority races from wearing religious items like crosses and strings, and if any of them do so anyway, make these deviants write letters explaining why they were expressing their religious freedoms.
• Segregate boys and girls in classrooms and canteens to ensure nothing immoral is going on, despite the fact that your school is a co-ed school. Who knows what these students will get up to with their raging hormones and growth spurts.

4. Other Assorted Bureaucrats

Official job duties:

• Carry out your day-to-day duties
• Don’t mess things up too badly

Little Napoleon benefits:

• Come up with arbitrary rules and enforce them to the detriment of the local economy. If you’re in Langkawi, for instance, stop tourists from wearing shorts and buying alcohol, the island’s duty-free status be damned.
• Try to get officials that don’t conform to your (or your party’s) worldview sacked, Create your own unity by weeding dissidents! #teamworkmakesthedreamwork
• Hurl abuse at your lower-ranked colleagues to establish dominance and use your authority as a police officer to intimidate regular civilians whenever the opportunity presents itself.

Not many of y’all will make it as Little Napoleons, given that most civil servants are nice, helpful people, but if you think you have what it takes, shoot for the stars. At worst, you might end up on the front page of The Star. Sekian.