Was Najib wrongly accused? We went to Chinese temples to ask Taoist Gods

Hey hey, people. Last month the Court of Appeal affirmed both Najib’s conviction and 12-year prison sentence, which led to his lawyer at the time, Hisyam Teh Pok Teik saying:

“We are very sad, and seek comfort and solace in the fact that only the Almighty can dispense the ultimate and perfect justice,” – Hisyam Teh Pok Teik, 23 August 2022

Can’t really argue with that, cuz the Big Cheese (or Big Charcuterie Board, depending on which religion you subscribe to) is known to be omniscient and/or omnipotent. Thing is, we haven’t heard from them since the conclusion of Najib’s appeal, so we sought them out to get some answers, chief of which being: Was justice served in Najib’s case?

Unfortunately, traditional Abrahamic religions practiced in our country don’t have systems for directly communicating with the Powers That Be, and therefore…

We visited the Sin Sze Si Ya Temple in Petaling Street

The first temple we visited, the Sin Sze Si Ya Temple, was commissioned by Yap Ah Loy in 1864, making it the oldest Taoist temple in KL. If you didn’t know, some Taoist temples in Malaysia offer ways to “ask” the temple’s patron deity (or deities) whatever questions you want answered. There are other ways – one of which we’ll be talking about later – but the Sin Sze Si Ya Temple in Petaling Street has these kidney-shaped wooden pieces called Jiaobei (珓杯) that work like this:

You hold them in your hands as you ask the Highest of Highs your question, drop the Jiaobei on the ground, and the answer will be revealed, as per the image above. As y’all can see, the Jiaobei are used to ask yes-no questions, and we used these to ask the temple’s patron deities, Sin Sze Ya and and Si Sze Ya, nine questions:

1. Was justice properly dispensed to Najib? (Yes)
2. Was justice properly dispensed to Rosmah? (No)
3. Will justice be properly dispensed to Zahid Hamidi? (No)
4. Will justice be properly dispensed to Bung Mokhtar? (No)
5. Will justice be properly dispensed to Abdul Azeez? (Yes)
6. Will Najib receive a royal pardon? (Yes)
7. Will Rosmah receive a royal pardon? (No)
8. Is what we’re doing offensive to y’all deities? (No)
9. Are any readers going to find what we’re doing offensive? (Yes)

Interestingly, the Bigwigs don’t seem to think that Najib got what he deserved, but he’ll get a royal pardon anyway. More interestingly, Rosmah won’t receive the same courtesy despite her not getting a slice of the justice pie. Maaaaybe the Big Kahuna thinks she deserves a heavier sentence? Who knows. Only time will tell when it comes to the other high-profile cases, and we are very invested.

And yes, apparently, y’all will find what we’re doing offensive. We got the Teh Ais Besar on our side, though, so on to the next temple where things are gonna be a little bit different.

We also went to (probably) the biggest temple in KL, Thean Hou Temple

Oh, baby. Cainis people will know this temple as the one with fifty thousand potholes in their parking lot and the one where every Cainis couple goes to for their marriage registration. Memes aside, this temple is MASSIVE. It cost RM7 million (approximately RM17 million today) to build in 1987, and just look at this.

They’ve got an entire floor dedicated to their offices and stuff.

So the temple houses three main deities, Tian Hou Niang Niang (Queen of Heaven), Guan Yin, and Shu Wei Sheng Niang (Queen of the Seas, sorta). And they do things different around here – you’ve got massive metal pots with these long, red plastic sticks with numbers on them instead of the Jiaobei. Ya pick the sticks up, give them a lil’ shake, and drop em. Whichever stick stands out, you take a fortune that corresponds to the stick’s number.

We did that for all the questions mentioned previously, and since the fortunes are pretty long, we’ll be focusing on the more interesting ones for this article. As for Najib, we’re not entirely sure whether Guan Yin and Gang think he’s got his just desserts:

One’s Fortune Changes As Time Changes – Do not linger over old memories. What is past is past, and will never return to the time channel. Be bold and advance forward, brushing aside all obstacles along the path.

Whatever “time channel” means, it seems the fates have good things in store for our ex-PM. Maybe it’s cuz his royal pardon situation is looking on the up and up, according to the Heavenly bunch:

Every Cloud has a Silver Lining – Whatever adverse circumstances you are in, they will soon fade away. Be patient, bide your time for the advent of bright and promising days now gradually within sight.

Kind of a slam dunk for Najib, given how deities for both temples seem to think he’ll make it out of the situation okay. Rosmah on the other hand, not so much. Check out her fortune for her conviction and sentence:

Conflict of Interest – One should not be in league or join partnership will others whose interest differ from yours, otherwise it will eventually end up a break-off and in bitterness.

It’s uncanny, honestly, given the allegations of how Rosmah was “controlling” Jibby from behind the scenes. Perhaps this one applies more to Najib, but let’s move on to how Rosmah will fare royal pardon-wise:

Gathering of Ominous Clouds – Changes unfavourable to you are gradually taking place. Beware, and take precaution after the month is over. Do not overstretch yourself, but rather consolidate the present position to withstand set-backs.

0 for 2, man. Sorry, Rosmah, we don’t make the decisions around here. Couldn’t make this shizzle up if we wanted to. Y’all wanna know what’s even weirder? When we asked whether this experiment had offended the Big Nasi Lemak or not, we got:

Blessings of Guardian Angel – You are endowed with a rich and honourable life. By maintaining marital happiness and family harmony, you will enjoy a glorious, happy life.

This writer is very, very single, but CILISOS will happily take this W. Speaking of taking the W, does this mean Jibby is actually gonna take the W as per the will of the Heavens?

Asking temples about the fates of politicians probably won’t change anything

Based on our findings, the long and short of it appears to be:

• Najib might get a royal pardon, and;
• Rosmah’s gonna get shafted

Ya don’t have to take our word for it, it’s not even from us, technically.

Again, memes aside, no disrespect to people who are religious and believe in these rituals, this writer’s just not the religious sort despite having been raised a Taoist as a child. Yeah, he’s been to many temples over the years, and there were plenty of times when the “divine” answers he got turned out to be wrong down the line. We wouldn’t be surprised if Najib never ends up getting a pardon, period.

But yeah, if there’s anyone who wants to take a bet with the writer on whether Jibby will be pardoned in the near future or not, hit him up in the comments. CILISOS out.