8 questions you might ask in a Malaysian Chinese wedding

Have you ever attended a Chinese wedding and just wondered what the heck was going on? Why do people shout ‘yuuummmm seng’ for the longest time? Or let the small boy jump on bed? Or honk their car like mad in the morning? Why??

Well, if you’re clueless, you are not alone. The Chinese, being rich in tradition and culture have a lot of ‘pantang-larangs’ and know-hows for various things so you bet they’ll have no lack of traditions when it comes to weddings.

However, over the years, such traditions seem to have lost its symbolisation with people forgetting the reason why it existed. Today, most Chinese couples just perform these traditions simply because they’re traditions, without really knowing what or why they do it. And for the rest of us wedding attendees? Well, we just follow along lor.

So CILISOS decided to give Mrs Doris, a ‘dai kam jie‘ (a.k.a that lady you see telling people what to do during wedding) with more than 25 years of experience, a call. We asked Mrs Doris some of the burning questions CILISOS have about a Chinese wedding.

1. How can people start honking theirs cars so early in the morning?

In Malaysia, Chinese weddings are known for their loud car honks when the groom picks up the bride; waking up everyone in the neighbourhood on a lazy Sunday morning. Like as if need to announce to everyone that there is a wedding going on.

Thankfully, the honking only starts when the groom reaches the housing area of the bride and not his entire journey. Can you imagine honking all the way from the groom’s house in Klang to the bride’s house in Damansara Utama as done in the olden days?

While some may regard this as a nuisance, the act of honking came from a traditional Chinese belief with modern improvisations. Mrs Doris told how traditionally, people used gongs and drums. Now, people choose to honk their cars. This is to increase the celebratory mood of the wedding. There is also this belief that loud noises will scare away evil spirits, like the usage of fireworks during Chinese New Year, bells being rung during church weddings or breaking plates in Greek weddings. So it seems universally people believe that whenever there are loud noises, there are no evil spirits.

So now, those car honks have 3 functions: ‘memeriahkan’ the wedding; chase away evil spirits; and to wake up the whole neighbourhood.

2. Why the bridesmaids always ask the groomsmen do those pg-13 stuff?

Ok, the groom and his groomsmen (a.k.a. ‘heng tai’) have arrived, the honking has stopped. But that’s not the end of the noise as what comes next * jeng jeng jeng* the ‘Ji Mui’ games or ‘bride’s troop games’. They are sorta like a more funny borderline horrific telematch that the groom and his heng tai have to play before he is able to pick up his bride.

But why do we say ‘horrific’? Well…

Cringe-worthy? You bet. The laughter is usually at the expense of the groom and the heng tais. But is this tradition? Our parents did stuff like this as well?

Mrs Doris tells us that traditionally, Chinese people in Malaysia did not play those weddings games. Don’t believe her? Ask those who got married in 1980’s. She adds that this practice came from Hong Kong TVB dramas. However, she doesn’t stop people from playing it, as it is a way to increase the festivity of the wedding.

Now, dramas don’t usually create stuff out of nowhere. So after some research, this practice seems to have originated from 2 beliefs:

1. These games were used to break the ice between the 2 strangers, since in the past, marriages were usually from arranged marriage.
2. It also implies that the girl is a lovely girl, so her family and friends don’t want to marry her away. The groom will then try to buy his way in by presenting ‘Li Shi‘ or known as ang pow.

This ‘ang pow’ practice is still relevant today. However there are bridesmaids that see these games as a very good way to earn additional ang pow. So they may prolong the game so as to hit their targeted amount like this story we found from a forum.

While we at CILISOS seem really negative about this tradition, CILISOS don’t doubt that it increases the celebratory mood of a wedding.  What would a wedding be without laughter, right? However at times Mrs Doris says the games do go overboard like these few Says.com highlighted. CILISOS also found a story about a groom who suffered really bad gastric pain after drinking a weird concoction during the games. Wedding photos were totally ruined as the groom was cringing in pain the entire time. What a horrific way to celebrate what should be a meaningful, beautiful moment in your lifetime!

So, to all you bridesmaids, please take a chill pill -the groom and his heng tais still have a wedding to attend! 🙁

3. Why always small boy get to do everything first on wedding day?

Nobody likes people jumping on their brand new bed for many reasons, but mainly because it is BRAND NEW, UNSLEPT and UNTOUCHED. BUT…. in Chinese weddings, there is always a little boy (or children, depending on preferences) who would jump on the couple’s bed. There is also this tradition where a little boy will have to open the car door for the groom.

Well, there is a reason for it. Think about it, when will you ever let children jump on your bed? *drum-roll* When you have your own children! This act was supposed to wish the wedded couple will be blessed with children soon.

By getting a boy to jump on your bed, it is impliedly wishing that the first child will be a boy. According to Mrs Doris, a small girl can jump on the bed as well, but only after a small boy has done it. Why? Well, Chinese traditions favour boys.

OK then, why a small boy must open the car door for the groom? Well, traditionally it is bride’s younger bachelor brother that will be tasked with opening the groom’s car door. The groom will be presented with 2 oranges which he will reciprocate with an ang pow. The oranges must be left in the car for good fortune. Now, most people will pick a little boy to do it, if you don’t have a bachelor younger brother. The little boy could be a younger male relative or even male friend BUT it can never be a young girl.

How can Chinese be so bias?

In olden day China, once married, the bride would live with the groom’s family. This is because previously, married daughters would only return home on the 3^rd day of their wedding (huimenr) and yearly on the second day of Chinese New Year (hui niang jia).

So, sons were left with the task of taking care of their parents, while daughters once married, would only have to take care of her in-laws.

Sounds kinda dark, right? Well, in this modern day and age, not many people follow this culture anymore and we’re hoping it’s because nobody likes a tradition that stops us from taking care of our own parents too.

4. How can the couple serve tea on their wedding aren’t they royalty of the day?

Then comes the ‘tea ceremony’, where the bride and groom offer tea to their elders.

According to Mrs Doris, this tradition exists as a sign of respect to the elders. The tea itself is significant as it is the the symbol of purity, stability and fertile. The purity of tea represents the love is pure and noble; the stability of tea stands for faithful love; the fertility of tea represents the family will have many children. In ancient times, after exchanging vows, the couple would serve tea to the groom’s family (the bride would have served tea privately to her own family that morning). Today, many couples choose to do just one ceremony for both sides of the family.

Traditionally, the married couple is required to serve tea while kneeling. Nowadays, it seems fine to just stand and bow slightly while serving tea. So the decision to stand or kneel is up to the couple. So long as you don’t call your relatives by the wrong title, everything will be alright! If you don’t remember, this video may help you.

As for the order as to who gets to drink the tea first? The arrangement is typically from eldest to youngest of the groom’s family, followed by the bride’s family. Typically, the person served would drink a sip then pass a ‘lai see‘ aka red envelope to the married couple.

So what’s in the tea? Well traditionally it should include items like red dates, peanuts, longans and lotus seeds. This is because when read in that order, it sounds like “to have baby as soon as possible“. Well here in CILISOS, we are banana just like them, so yeah, we cannot tell you how does the phrase sound in mandarin.

5. Why must yum seng so many times till throat also sore?

OMG DONT YOU DARE QUESTION YUM SENG! Sorry ugaiz, but CILISOS just did.

Unlike the previous points which only encompassed the couple and their families, the ‘yum seng’ is for all wedding guest regardless of age and gender.

If you’ve been to a Chinese wedding dinner, you’ll notice that the wedding party would shout ‘yum seng’ three times, with the crowd echoing them. And everyone tries to outdo each other, seeing who can pull the words longer and who has the loudest voice. It’s sorta like an endurance test, only involving really loud voices and champagne or beer (or tea, for the little ones). So you will get people going yummmmmm (catching breath) mmmmmmmmm (catch breath again) senggggggggg.

This is actually the Chinese version of bottoms up. It would make sense since Mrs Doris said that it was supposed to be ‘yum sai‘ (meaning to ‘finish drinking it‘) but it doesn’t sound nice, so it became yum seng. According to this interview by Kairos Research Centre, in Cantonese, ‘yum seng’ means ‘drink to victory‘. In China, the army generals would normally drink with their soldiers the night before the battle to boost their morale. This term has been adopted in the context of wedding celebrations, probably to reflect the desire to succeed in the wedding.

Why is the yum seng dragged?

Well, there seems to be no real answer to this. The most probable answer is that yummm seennggg sounds nicer than yum seng.

Why must we yum seng 3 times?

There are various answers to this.

1. Mrs Doris said it is due to a Chinese proverb.
2. The Kairos interviewee said that the 1st toast was for the married couple, the 2nd toast was for the couple’s parents and the 3rd toast was for the guests.
3. This Singapore website however says the 1st toast was for a blissful marriage; the 2nd toast for eternal love between the couple; and the 3rd for fertility.

It seems nobody can give an accurate reasoning for this practice. The bride and groom will even go table by table and yum seng with everyone. The objective could be for the couple to get to know the guests, but again there seems to be no accurate reasoning to this. So, instead of just yum seng why not take this opportunity to get to know your guests, especially those ‘bau-bau bacang‘ relatives. Since it doesn’t look like this custom is going away anytime soon, ugaiz better prepare some lozenges for your throats.

6. Why they play The Final Countdown when the first dish come in!?

Like as if marriage isn’t hard enough, people playing the Final Countdown when presenting food somemore….Is that suppose to be a hint to the marriage couple or something? To those who don’t know what song is it, here is the video.

Well, ugais should be happy that this is not an actual tradition. We asked Mrs Doris, and she said that this all the hotel/restaurant’s doing. Not every restaurant do this, so if you don’t want it, tell your restaurant in advance since it only happens when you let the restaurant ‘hijack‘ your wedding. The song adds a dramatic flair when serving food. I bet the waiters will be so thankful as well since they don’t have to do extra work, serving food to 100 of people is hard enough.

What about the number of dishes served? Well, first of all it depends on the package provided for by the restaurant. Generally it will be around 5–12 dishes per table. Some would choose to have 8 dishes because it sounds like the ‘prosperity’ in certain dialect. Certain ingredients itself have meaning behind it. Fish, ‘Yú’(鱼), sounds like plentiful (余) in Chinese. Noodles, symbolise longevity because noodles come in long strands. Also, lobster translates to ‘dragon shrimp’, which represents the groom. While chicken represents the phoenix. For Chinese, phoenix is seen as the counterpart of dragon, so it represents the bride.

7. Must put more in ang pow if at KL Hilton ar?

What if I tell you that there is a formula to calculate ang pow rate? Before we answer that, how did ang pow even come into existence?

Well, cultural history tells us that it dates back to the Song Dynasty in China where a village was terrorised by a huge demon. No one was capable of defeating it until a young orphan, armed with a magical sword came along and killed it. The villagers were so grateful; they presented the young orphan with a red envelope filled with money. As such today, the ang pow is given to wish the receiver the same health, prosperity and happiness that the villagers wished to give the boy. This is why we receive ang pow during Chinese New Year. The importance isn’t the money inside but the red packet. There is however no doubt that the receiver would be even happier if there is a large amount of cash inside.

But how did that turn into a culture of giving ang pows during weddings?

According to Mrs Doris, in ‘ancient times’ guest didn’t have to give anything to attend a wedding. This act of giving ang pows started because things were getting more expensive. For example, wedding guests were only treated to a ‘Poon Choi‘ last time. Poon Choi is this huge dish with tons of ingredients layered inside one bowl. So, if it costs RM2,000++ per table in Renaissance KL  , you can only imagine the total cost of a wedding!

So, guests feel obliged to give an ang pow to the married couple. The ang pow seems to symbolise the guest’s well wishes and also to help out the married couple with the expenses. However, this has evolved to the mentality where the ang pow is seen as a must-have gift to aid with the wedding dinner cost.

Now of the formula ugaiz waiting for…

People feel pressured to give what many deem as a ‘sufficient amount’ for a wedding. This Singaporean website even came out with a formula for wedding ang pows rate in Singapore. Sorry Malaysians can’t find a guide for us, but it seems the market rate is RM50 for home receptions and RM100 for hotel receptions according to this article by Free Malaysia Today. Note that article came out before the implementation of GST, so additional 6%? Adui.

On the flip side, there are also those who suggest that if the couple cannot afford it in the first place, then don’t have a wedding in such an expensive venue. Although accurate, at times a person cannot be blamed for trying to achieve their dream wedding. Plus, don’t forget the immense pressure from kiasu parents. Imagine this, if people feel the need to hire people to pretend to be their significant other just to beat the wedding pressure, what more the pressure when getting married where some see this as a chance to flaunt their wealth.

So ugaiz, CILISOS cannot tell you how much is the right amount, but just don’t break a bank to pay for a wedding. And be careful with the ang pows, you don’t want to end up like this unlucky couple.

8. Bride’s family give bride dowry as well?

We have all heard about how the groom has to give dowry to the bride’s family and how it can be costly. This is true, especially if the bride’s family want tons of wedding biscuits. The groom’s family will present the bride’s family with this biscuits. Some will be used to worship their ancestors, but the rest will be distributed to friends and relatives along with the wedding invitation.

But actually…. Traditionally, the bride’s family has to give dowry to the bride, but this dowry for the bride isn’t money – it’s a whole bucket-load of stuff. These are items that she will use in her new home after marriage. While there is no set list, items may include gold jewelry, bedding and electrical appliances.

There is also this tradition of giving 5 items collectively known as bucket of offspring or as Mrs Doris calls it, the baby set. According to Mrs Doris, the set includes a baby bathtub, a basin, a tray, a mug for rinsing the mouth and a potty. She said that the tray, mug and basin were used to serve the mother-in-law the morning after the wedding. However, this website says that the 5 items were all for the bride to use after giving birth and not to serve the mother-in-law. Regardless of whom the items are intended for, the symbolism remains: hopes of a pregnant bride soon.

This tradition probably came about because traditionally, girls don’t work, so how to pay for anything like that? Nowadays, people don’t follow this tradition strictly, with some opting for no dowry at all, and for the wedding cost to be split between the 2 parties equally.

Woah! So many traditions, but do I need to follow?

Well, there is no research saying that when traditions are not followed strictly, the marriage is doomed from the start, resulting in the increase of couple divorcing in Malaysia. No, unimplemented traditions are unlikely to be the main reason why a marriage fails. This however doesn’t mean that such traditions should be discarded altogether as some traditions like serving tea to the elders, are meaningful and shows respect to the culture.

But if you’re Chinese and you wanna make your wedding one that’s bursting with traditions, you should get a ‘dai kam jie’. They’re NOT a MUST for Chinese weddings, but over the years, people have forgotten the steps to a traditional wedding. So, people invite a dai kam jie to facilitate the wedding. Dai kam jie are people who have learn the ways of the old from a sifu. In the past, ONLY unmarried ladies can be dai kam jie. Nowadays, most of the dai kam jie are married ladies, even male dai kam jie exists! (And no, we’re not trying to sell Mrs Doris to ugaiz… )

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