13 Things People From Klang are Sick of Hearing

Ghetto. Bak kut teh. Jusco. People from Klang get no rest from all kinds of sickening stereotypes. And we have 2 CILISOS members from Klang who’ve gotten so much flak about the city that we’re just sick to the stomach. Even people from Cheras and Puchong make fun of us! But yunowat, it’s time to stop. That’s why we’re writing this post. Here are 13 things Klang people are totally sick of hearing.

 

1. “Lu mana punya? 04, 06 atau 36?”

One of the first things that come to mind when people think of Klang is gangsters and crime. Klang people have to relive this horror over and over when somebody asks us where we live. How the scenario would play out is like this:

Miss Elsewhere: Eh woman, where do you stay?
Miss Klang: Klang.
Miss Elsewhere: Wah isn’t that place full of gangsters? Not scared ah?
Miss Klang: *thinks* OMG woman I live in crippling fear every.single.day. *says* No la. I could just as easily get robbed in PJ wat.

Yes, Klangites are aware that gangs exist – 08, 18, 21, 24 Top, 36. Why all numbers wan? Age restriction for membership issit? This reputation is so prevalent that when Namewee made a movie about gangsters, he set it in Klang as a tribute.

They are not shy clams. Some gangs have (very public) Facebook groups. One gang even has a promo video on YouTube. Which looks like amateur Powerpoint slides of Nazi Emblems and number 24.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dCT24sHCeA

 

But c’mon man, it’s not as if the rest of Klang Valley (or the country) is protected by some invisible anti-crime force field. This KL-Klang crime comparison proves otherwise. Same goes for PJ. We found this from a cool site of user contributed data about living conditions in cities and countried worldwide.

 

OK la, we’re not trying to claim that Klang is ‘safe’. But we’re just sick of our city being associated with the words ‘gangsters’ and ‘crime area’ and ‘parangs‘ and, and ‘Swiss army knives’ and ‘can openers’, ‘laser pointers’! So either shut up or you’ll be swimming with the fishes tonight.

2. “How come you’re not Indian?”

Another idea people have about Klang is ‘an Indian place’. Home of the machas! What the heck does ‘an Indian place’ even mean? Unless you were saying it in like India, maybe?! We know Klang has the biggest Little India in Malaysia. Bigger than Penang’s and KL’s. But don’t take your burning jealousy out on Klangites like dat.

And according to government stats, Malays are the majority dwellers in Klang with 335,739 people. Followed by the Chinese 190,854 and then Indians 140,519. So actually the Indians have the lowest number – if you don’t count the lain-lain. Which brings us to the next point…

3. “Hokkien like wanna start a fight.”

Aside from being ‘an Indian place’, Pa Sang lang are also considered Ah Beng and Ah Lian. How the city can go from one end of ‘so Indian’ to the other end of ‘so Cina’ is anybody’s guess.

**Pa sang = Klang. Lang = Person. Pa sang lang = Klang person.

However, it’s true that Klang has a reputation for having good (i.e. cheap) mechanic service, spare parts, and generally being the place to go if you wanted to zhng your car. You see, the Ah Beng character is widely stereotyped as being a mechanic by profession, according to a study… there’s a whaaaat? Wah sehhhhh there’s a STUDY ons its!

“As for employment, it is clear that the respondents associate the Ah Bengs with retail employment and vocational skills, such as ‘mechanics’ and ‘hairdressing’, alongside a few jobs that do not specifically require a high level of formal education.” – Rachel S.K. Chan, UM

Fashion wise, Klang is known as lala central. Not to be confused with this lala. Which incidentally is also famous in Klang.

We meant the other, non-edible lala. Yes, how people must hate the lala culture and dress code to create an anti-lala Facebook group.

Incidentally, there are a people called the Lala in parts of Nigeria.

Personally, this writer has to say, where got lala la? Sightings are rare now la. la. (Disclaimer: The content of this sentence does not reflect the official opinion of CILISOS. Responsibility for the information la-lies solely with the author.)

Furthermore it doesn’t help Klang’s image with this video on the Internet.

4. “BAK-KUT-TEH!!!”

When people think of Klang, people also think of Bak Kut Teh. Some people say it matter-of-factly:

Others, with more exuberance:

Yet others like to ask:

Mr. Elsewhere: Where to get the best Bak Kut Teh?
Mr. Klang: Klang.
Mr. Elsewhere: Yeah I know. Where in Klang?
Mr. Klang: I’m sorry, did I stutter? KLANGGGG!!!

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But its not just famous for Bak Kut Teh. People also say you can get other good food in Klang. Especially seafood.

What do you mean other good food? ALL and ONLY Klang food is awesome food! Get your facts right!

So if you’re feeling hungry, instead of grabbing a Snickers, drive to Klang to makan. By the way guys, if you come across any funny menu bloopers (in Klang or otherwise), do send it in for our contest. Here’s a super cute GIF map to show you how to get to Klang.

5. “I’m quite sick with the way people in Klang drives.”

Klangites can agree that the drivers are bad. But that doesn’t mean the rest of you Klang Valley people need to keep bringing it up like some festering sore. Anyway, PJ’s traffic is pretty bad itself and so’s KL’s. Just look at this scene from hell.

And yet you say:

So tell us, is it crazier than this?

6. “Without crows Klang will be a stinking town.”

Heck yeah Klang is one giant crows’ nest. Still, that doesn’t mean we can stand other people crowing about it in our faces. Some folks think that the humans can co-exist mutually with crows because of their efficient ‘cleaning services’.

But the Klang Municipal Council (MPK) wants to get rid of them. Every year, it organises a crow-shooting event named Ops Gagak to rid the town of the avians. The crows are seen as a nuisance with its faeces (damn birds’ target damn spot on!) and scavenging. Shooters may or may not practise here before the day of the event, but there’s no evidence for it. Each person is charged a fee of RM5 and for each crow shot, they will receive RM3. The activity made animal lovers very angry. You won’t like them when they’re angry.

Aiya whatever. As long as they don’t go all freaky on us like that Alfred Hitchcock horror.

But we have to admit, that Ops Gagak poster was not the most well thought through idea. The dude in the design looks like a redneck who stepped right out of Duck Dynasty. It’s stuff like that that leads others to say…

7. “Kampung folk with poor english.”

Poor, downtrodden Klang is always made fun of as the hillbilly of the Valley. Why ya’ll gotta be like that? Why? We know we’re not as urbanised as KL, PJ or Subang. But we most definitely DO NOT look like this!

So we don’t have the tallest twin towers or the Michelin star restaurants and clubs, but we got the biggest Jusco in the whole of Southeast Asia. Oh NOOOOOO! Shouldn’t have told you that…

8. “Everyone hangs out at Jusco”

*puts gun to foot and fires*

People think the whole of Klang town hangs out at Jusco as if every weekend they have a Majlis Jamuan or something. This perception probably started because there’re not many malls in Klang, therefore everyone has no choice but to shop there. We call bull!!! There’s Klang Parade. And it’s been newly renovated. With a cool new look. It’s totally hang-outtable now. Totally.

Apparently people think that all Klangites have J-cards too. Ermmm. Mayyyybe. Maybe there’s even a J-card Day thread with people talking excitedly about the event on the Klang Community Forum.

Yeah fine. So there are no Pavilion’s or Sunway Pyramid’s or 1 Utama’s. But those malls were wise. They probably know it’s bad business to open up where…

9. “Klang people very rich but stingy.”

Without a doubt, the cost of living in Klang is much cheaper than the rest of the Valley. Take a look at how much food would cost in this ‘stingy city’ as opposed to PJ.

Meanwhile where did this poor sap buy his 1/2 kg boneless chicken breast that he hadda pay RM1 extra compared to PJ? Must be an unwitting PJ victim our Klang butcher totally punked. Haha PJ, joke’s on you!

As for entertainment, Klang’s a cheaper source too.

A basic dinner for 2 in a PJ pub costs RM65, while in Klang it costs RM25. Hooray. But uhmm, it really depends on how you define ‘entertainment’. Klang ‘pubs’ are not your Finnegan’s, Sid’s or J&R’s… They’re shop lots, walled up in front with fully tinted glass doors. Oh and there aren’t any authentic Italian restaurants in Klang. Only fusiony restaurants. And there’s Vivo’s (in Jusco, where else), but that’s probably not counted is it?

10. “Everyone knows everyone in Klang”

Well since we ALL hang out in Jusco, naturally we’d know everybody in town.

Yeah right!!! That was three decades ago when there must have been like two streets and one pasar pagi. Today Klang is so developed with million-dollar housing projects such as Bandar Bukit Tinggi, Bandar Botanic, Glenmarie Cove, Kota Bayuemas and Bandar Puteri. The fact that the rest of you whine about the traffic in Klang just shows.

For the record, Klang has a much bigger land area than other cities. The total area is 573 km². Shah Alam is only 290.3 km², Subang is 70 km² and PJ is 97.2 km². You combine all 3 also kenot achieve the same size. See, size matters! Aiya no matter what we tell you, Klangites still get the same question:

11. “Ah, that country has some nice food.”

How have you pitiful people been getting to Klang all this while? Dayung sampan issit? Hello, use taxpayers money to build so many highways around, use them la! There’s the Federal Highway, NKVE, Kesas, North Klang, South Klang, Use The, Freaking, Highways, Dammit. Take your pick!

On a good day, it takes approximately 40 minutes to drive to Klang from KL. On FML traffic days, it takes 2 hours. But we’ve heard that it could take longer for some men to appease a ballistic woman, so what are ya’ll complainin’ about?

Some people have even been so far along deluded by their Geografi teachers to believe that Klang is from another country.

Erm, we are on the same page right? You’re not talking about the other Klang right?

12. “Why Klang got one funny smell wan?”

Maybe your olfactory senses need rearranging. Maybe we’ll ‘help’ you with that. *cracks fists* Why don’t you take another deep breath and tell us again.

Alright, alright, it’s the haze. Before you guys open your smart mouths to say something sarcastic about Klang naturally attracting all undesirables (which in this case is haze), the fault unfortunately lies with Klangites. The peat fires at Jalan Kebun worsen our already hazy atmosphere.

Hey, but we swear, we don’t know those jerks. Not everyone knows everyone in Klang. Really!

13. “Is it true there are dead bodies in the Klang River every week?”

Ahhhh. The thought of a crystal clear river with playful fish darting underwater as Edvard Grieg’s Morning Mood plays – is never the picture one calls to mind when it’s the Klang River.

Class 1 is pristine and suitable for drinking. Klang River is Class IV to V. And that class will turn your skin green/make your nails glow in the dark.

You guys are going to get a kick out of whose fault it really is. The majority of rubbish and misc. pollution comes from… gasp, KL! According to studies done by the Drainage and Irrigation Department, 500 tonnes of waste is dumped daily in KL’s Sungai Bunus, which then flows into the Klang River. The main culprits are those who live and work near the area. Wait, wait that’s not all. The river is also being polluted by sand-washing in Jalan Taman Seri Sentosa, off Old Klang Road in KUALA LUMPUR. Scandalous!

And for those of you wondering if there really are dead bodies in the Klang River, yes. Yes there are. Be afraid. But don’t think dead bodies are being dumped around Klang only. There was one discovered not so long ago near the Damansara-Puchong Expressway Sunway toll plaza.

Other things that have been fished out of the Klang River:

“We have found handbags (without the owner) floating with money (from RM250 to RM5,000), identity cards, ATM cards and jewellery.” Satarudin Kamal, fisherman, The Star

 

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You know what else really grinds our gears? When people mistake other places for the actual city because the word ‘Klang’ is in it, just like the case with Klang River. Say it with us now – “the Klang Bus Stand is in Pudu, Ulu Klang is in Gombak, and Old Klang Road is also in KL“. Gosh people, read a book!

Despite all the crap we get for Klang being… well, Klang, we Klangites love our home and we’re proud of it. Whatever you say to make fun of Klang won’t change that. 😀