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4 must-haves for a safe night of clubbing in KL (while still looking fabulous, duh)

Everyday in KL, we are slapped with stories of bag snatchings and kidnappings (don’t even get me started about car jackings and murders). So how on earth do us Malaysian ladies maintain an active social life? Well, one has the option of staying at home and/or letting oneself go (hairy armpits and legs anyone?) but that’s not really an option is it?

We ladies want to go out, look good, have fun and not have to worry about ending up a statistic. So here’s some tips on what to wear to enjoy a night out on the town with peace of mind. Don’t worry, we won’t suggest that you go out in a tent or a potato sack.

1. Clothes

If you’re gonna go stillettos, the sharper the better

a) High heeled shoes, preferably the sharp stilettoed, pointy toed variety. +1 bonus if yours have metal bits. +2 bonus if you can run in them, or at the very least kick them off easily. Super sexy, yet super painful for Chester The Molester when you
stomp on his toes or kick in his kneecaps and shins. Or in his nuts. Wedge heels are a great stomping option as well, especially for the roaches at the mamak at 4am.

b) Sexy short dress, the stretchier the better. Like yoga pants, it gives you room to move and run freely, all the better to aim your kicks at the abovementioned areas. +1 bonus if yours can flash some boob. It’ll give you at least 3 seconds of stunning

Don’t make it easy on em: There are even specific AR (Anti-rape) style undies available, like this one from www.lingerieinsight.com

power, more than enough for you to get a screaming headstart when you sprint away. Flippy skirts are great too, especially when you flip it up as a distraction, so they can’t see your high heeled foot coming for their kneecaps.

c) Underwear. I’m talking about the Bridget Jones, spaceship airlock to the midriff type. Not only practical for smoothing out any lumps and bumps in your silhouette, a would be rapist will be totally stumped trying to remove it to get at your Holy Grail, giving you plenty of time to fight back (aim for the eyes). +3 bonus if yours actually has a keypad lock or thumbprint scanner. And don’t worry about it being totally unsexy; there’s a lot of girly and lacey options in the stores these days, AND you can claim that you’re being retro.

2. Purse

a) The ideal evening purse should be a structured envelope with sharp edges; or a soft wristlet with a large, hard buckle; maybe

yes, we saw this on ebay. Doubles as a morning star

even a hands free cross body sling with a chain strap or better yet, a solid formed minaudiere. All of those are perfect as a makeshift weapon for bashing in heads, scratching faces and hands and even for whipping or choking your attacker into submission. Ever scratched yourself with your sequined purse? IT HURTS.

NAH, BACA:
Our politicians are fighting over this tabligh convention, but what is it exactly?

b) A useful item to carry with you in your party purse – travel sized perfume bottle, +1 bonus if you have a refillable one. Totally useful for body odor touch-ups after some sweaty dancing and its small enough to fit into your tiny party purse. And the +3 bonus is that you can use it as a mace substitute. (We don’t advocate using actual mace, it’s expensive, has a ridiculously short shelf life of 3 months and looks totally fugly hanging off your purse). Remember, aim for the eyes.

3. Accessories (optional but do choose wisely)

2014-04-12 19.32.40a) Bangles that are embellished with spikes and/or studs. The drunk guy grabbing you will know what it feels like to be grabbing a cactus.

b) Headgear i.e. metal headbands, large bling-y hairclips, even a tiara can be used as a “let go of me/my purse” stabbing or scratching weapon.

c) Belts that are studded or metal based. You gotta whip it! Whip it good!

d) Necklaces that are of the long chained variety. +1 bonus if yours has a hard metal pendant on the end. Same usage as the belt, or your chain strap party purse. +2 bonus if the pendant is an actual whistle. Nothing like rupturing some would be kidnapper’s eardrums.

e) Fingernails. Catwoman had a good thing going with her kitty claws. Keep them polished and sharp. Soft areas that you can gouge out from your assailant include inner arm (go on, pinch yourself, try it out), neck and nipples. +1 bonus if you have nail art. +2 bonus if your nail art doubles as another spike.

4. Brain

Smart girls are sexy girls. Keep your wits about you, don’t get too drunk or too focused on the hot guy in the corner that you lose awareness of your surroundings. Hold your purse tightly against your body when you walk to your car (+1 bonus if you walk with a friend, +2 bonus if you remembered to pull out your perfume bottle). And the most obvious – don’t use your phone when you’re walking! Your Facebook/Twitter/Instagram update can wait till you’re safely in your locked car. Preferably in a well lit parking lot.

So now you know what to wear and how to use it, have fun!

7 Comments

  1. Marcus

    30/06/2014 at 4:36 pm

    really? this was one of the first few articles and it doesnt get much in the way of writey responses? is ok i got myself my folding chinese military shovel model WJQ-308 just for this reason.
    originally reading this article I was thinking why are most of the points here having to do with having to fend off attackers and running the heck away. so hard to have fun out there then stay home lah. but all in all you want to have fun. I will say that you can throw all the rest out the window. but keep your faculties with you. stay sharp stay wary. and kick off your shoes when its time to boogie if you have to.
    also relevant. this video came out recently. (not so recently), I fast forwarded to the relevant bits.
    http://youtu.be/uaPrmThe3M8?t=2m16s

    • Marcus

      30/06/2014 at 4:41 pm

      by boogie I meant dance.
      In hindsight I realize that the context of this article and my reply boogie could mean can mean ‘get the hell out of Dodge’
      that wasnt what I meant.
      then again. I am not sure what else word to have used, dance, break it down, set the dance floor on fire,
      ok that last one would have been decent, sigh. hindsight is 20/20 as Ben always says.

    • Marcus

      30/06/2014 at 4:44 pm

      and again. I am not sure if any of you know who Ben is.
      well he says ‘hindsight is 20/20’ sometimes when there was an opportunity he was a bit wary to fully take advantage of at the time it was offered to him.

    • Chak Onn Lau

      01/07/2014 at 11:01 am

      Cool dude. Thanks for your comments! Please don’t hurt us.

    • Marcus

      01/07/2014 at 5:37 pm

      Im not crazy, dammit. you met me!
      plus if you peeked through your window more often (between 10pm to 2am) you would see me more often.

    • Chak Onn Lau

      06/07/2014 at 11:46 pm

      Just cos i met you doesn’t mean you’re not crazy. Take my writers for example

    • marcus

      07/07/2014 at 2:42 pm

      take your writers?
      not even if you paid to house and feed them.

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