5 Malaysia-boleh business ideas for KLIA2 if it sinks

Remember these images when they surfaced last year?

KLIA2 had some ‘flooding’ problems and a video of it went viral. Actually, the story is not so blockbuster movie material – the airport wasn’t flooding, it was just ponding according to the Transport Ministry. It was spotted early on when AirAsia first moved in. But in yesterday’s report, AirAsia’s CEO Aireen Omar said it was still sinking. Yep, ‘still’ as in past tense. Looks like the curse of KLIA2 is notchet broken (over budget la, delayed la).

When will this problem clear up? With our country in deep debt and a missing RM42b, we thought of 5 ways we can still salvage KLIA2 it its gig as an airport doesn’t work out.

1. Put a dam on it

Penang got dam, Johor got dam, Sarawak people don’t want a dam also they still building dams, Selangor ALSO got dams, and yet always got water shortage. LET’S BUILD MORE DAMS! Then maybe for once we won’t get another Syabas notification about water rationing before a big public holiday.

Since KLIA2’s natural structure can takung water, it’s the perfect place. Just wait for the ground the sink deeper and we’ll all have a brand new dam to solve Selangor’s water woes. Puh-lease, holes have not made this much huru-hara in Malaysia since the Pudu sinkhole.

2. Turn it into a water park

Let’s face it, Sunway Lagoon and A’ Famosa Water World have been around for what, 200 years? Move over Captain Quack, time for a new water park in town! (no, seriously, that’s the Sunway Lagoon duck mascot name).

OK, Malaysia has around 23 water parks in total, so LET’S BUILD ANOTHER WATER PARK! The last time we checked, there’s no aeroplane themed water park so maybe that could be their novelty. They could build an airbus water slide, aeroplane roller coaster ride, and have a mascot of a plane. We can’t wait for this to take off!

3. Grow a plantation

We don’t think that trees mind ground depression as much as planes do. Rip up the tarmac and just grow a palm oil plantation there la, if the airport gig doesn’t work out. After all, Malaysia is the 2nd largest exporter of palm oil in the world and KLIA2’s 257,000 sqm size quite a big space. Maybe it’ll even ease deforestation problems in Sarawak a bit? Last year alone we made RM39.65b from selling palm oil. Whoa, that’s almost enough to cover the lost RM42b yo.

There are so many ways to work this idea, even if we don’t want palm oil. We can grow padi, or rubber trees, or whatever that can help Malaysia boost import-export.

4. Extend to Gold Coast as a shipping port

There’s always a way to make a good thing out of a bad situation, so let’s turn KLIA2 into a shipping port. How? Well, Sepang Gold Coast is nearby isn’t it? Since it’s already a resort, the developers can dig an extension from the landing strip all the way to Gold Coast.

Remember the article we wrote about pirates? The reason why they operate so smoothly on Malaysian waters is because they’re so hard to spot like playing Where’s Wally. With this brand new KLIA2 shipping port, we can ease the sea traffic and pirates cannot ninja their way in.

But…..

…….if all else fails……….

5. Sell to 1MDB

Kautim problem solved! NO wait, first, revalue it to a ridiculously high price, THEN sell it to 1MDB. The company already has a lot of real estate under its belt – Tun Razak Exchange, Bandar Malaysia, etc. If it was able to spare RM42b before, what’s another RM4b right?

It also wouldn’t be the first experience 1MDB has with an airport. They relocated the Sungei Besi Airport for RM1.6b last year, so should be senang-senang lah.

#justkidding

#butreallyweneedmoneyyo

The heck is happening to KLIA2 la? 

KLIA is a darling with flight travellers and it was ranked 6th best in the world. So how in the world did its namesake KLIA2 become so problematic?

Jokes aside, there are some real issues KLIA2 is facing. Firstly, it has an out of control budget. The original budget was supposed to be only RM1.7b. Somehow it grew to RM2b, then to RM2.5b, then to RM3.9b, at last reaching RM4b.

Why did it balloon so out of proportion? Well, developers said need to pay for change in job scope and “other unforeseen matters”. And even though it was supposed to be a budget airport, they did fix in ‘superior facilities’ for the comfort of their budget customers.

Second problem was the opening delay. They were just not ready for many things such as fire and safety issues, and sewage pipes got problems because of the soil. No wonder the ground is sinking. Obviously you can’t open an airport that’s not fire safe with backed up toilets. Additionally, only 4 contractors worked on KLIA, but for KLIA2, they hired so many to give people jobs. Which was nice of them, but in the end, too many cooks really spoiled the broth.

So how with the sinking problem now? Erbodeh cancel flights? Even the Public Accounts Committee (PAC) Chairman Datuk Nur Jazlan made fun of the taxiway, calling it “damaged pumpkins”. Malaysia Airports (MAHB) is trying to ‘botox’ up problem areas for now until they come up with a permanent solution. But Aireen (AirAsia’s CEO) said these defects could cause flight delays, aircraft wear-and-tear and possibly safety RISKS. She didn’t specify what risks, but eek we hope it won’t cause planes to hydroplane!

Harrr, we bet everyone misses LCCT a lot now even though it was smelly!