[Ed’s note: This article was originally published before Hari Raya Aidilfitri 2014]
It’s the weekend before Raya and many of you are psyched to balik kampung! Careful tho…according to a Michigan university research, Malaysia has the 17th most dangerous roads in the world, and it’s estimated that between 16-60% of accidents are caused by sleepy drivers. So we thought why not come up with some ‘helpful’ STUPID tips to help you to stay awake at the wheel, and while we’re at it, explore the wonderful world of VINES.
In case you didn’t know, Vines are the latest fad among our attention-deficit society – 7 second videos looped. And they are NOT EASY TO SHOOT, especially for video n00bs like us. We now have a newfound respect for something we just thought were over-glamourised animated GIFs
We aimed to do like 20, but only had time for 12. So here they are…
(P.S.: For your sanity, the volume toggles are on the top left)
1. Thumb tack on head rest
Ingredients: Thumb tacks, duct tape, thick skin
This one is certified tulen our own idea! There’s a patent for another type of headrest that uses sensors or some complicated neuro-wiring, but we prefer to keep it simple… and cheap. No royalties necessary, dear citizens – we do it for the kids 🙂
2. Rokok Wasabi
Ingredients: Seaweed, wasabi, medical insurance
Wasabi’s actually really good for you and the best thing is UiHua will eat ANYTHING after this experience. Definitely a better alternative to real cigarettes, which we can personally tell you… are VERY dangerous while driving.
3. Make a mixtape of Soothing Sounds
Ingredients: Screams, Audio CD, Pop songs, Car CD player.
So aparently, it is true that listening to music helps keep you alert, although you do need music that is upbeat, which we think this definitely qualifies 🙂
4. Grow your nose hairs… then pluck them
Ingredients: Nose hair, nose hair, nose hair, medium-length fingernails (for grip)
Yep. Save up for a few months and this stuff becomes black GOLD! In fact, one Chinese student outdid us on this one. We wouldn’t recommend it, unless you want to scare a policeman to death on the way home.
5. Chinese water torture
Ingredients: Balloon, scissors, water, duct tape
Tried and tested for eons. On millions of Chinese people.
6. Ketupat on a steek
Ingredients: Ketupat, steek, duct tape.
Don’t forget to change the ketupat for the trip back. Oh, and the song. Is there a Balik Kota song?
7. Makey Makey your car
Ingredients: Makey Makey, duct tape, Street fighter sound effects, crocodile cables
What’s Makey Makey? Click here!
These things are awesome – we don’t have one, but we’re gonna get one damnit! Anyways, there’s a tamer version to tell drivers to wake up… and it’s these rumble strips you find on most highways in Malaysia.
8. Can’t sleep. Clowns will eat me.
Ingredients: Make up, fake blood, darkness, torchlight, victims.
IMPORTANT: LOWER DOWN YOUR VOLUME FOR THIS ONE Y’ALL
This one’s almost a community service. Not only do you keep yourself awake by looking for victims, but you also keep your victims awake, and abang polis looking for morons to catch!
9. Slap the driver every time you see a Proton
Ingredients: Not so crowded area, evil passengers, tolerant driver Doesn’t work so well outside Malaysia FYI.
Ingredients: Toothpicks lor
Do not try this at home. Actually… we stole this one from Mr. Bean, who’s cartoon incidentally, is Malaysia’s most popular YouTube channel.
11. RM5 petrol stress
Ingredients: lots of RM5 notes, lots of petrol stations/rest stops
Notice how whenever you say “Rest Stop”, everyone wakes up a bit? Rest stops are the most sensibly named locations in the world. So why not stop at ALL REST STOPS!? Yes yes… we’re brilliant and you’re welcome.
12. Petai and ginger beer
Ingredients: Petai, Ginger Beer, Doraemon
We’ve tried it. It works. Add broken window controls for extra effect.
OKLA some real tips now….
Errr, guys, we hope you know we’re kidding. You know that… right?
Cos the real deal is quite sobering. Nangka assemblyman, Dr. Annuar Rapaee, said in The Star, that the number of deaths from road accidents in Malaysia remained among the highest in the world, recording 6,000 cases annually, or 16 deaths a day! Here’s a few real tips that we can think of, in short order.
Since you’re not in kindergarten anymore, we shouldn’t have to tell you this, but just in case you forget, please have your car inspected to make sure everything is in working order. If you don’t know how tell if your vehicle parts are ship shape, just head over to a mechanic (Klang got so many) for a check-up. OR if you are a Proton owner, you can bring your vehicle in for a Raya-special free inspection at selected Petronas station.
Slow down, and choose the right lane
What are you in such a rush for? We get that you can’t wait to see the whole family again and taste Nek’s daging masak rendang, but for life’s sake, chillax bro. But also don’t be the jerk driving at 60kmph on the right lane.
“Road hogging means that u are blocking a faster car. Plain and simple. Imagine if three cars, drove at 110 kmph on each lane of the highway, is that following the highway rules by keeping to the speed limit? U obviously have not seen the signboard saying, “Ikut kiri jika tidak memotong”. It does not say, “Pandu kanan dan ikut had laju”. Even when I drive >110 kmph, I use the middle lane. I only use the right lane if I am driving faster than the middle lane and I will move in for a faster car.” – Road Warrior on forum.autoworld.com.my
Put down the phone
We all know this, and yet we do it. Update FB la, Instagram la, Candy Crush la. According to David Strayer, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Utah, driving while talking on your phone – with or without the hands-free kit – is the ;same as driving with a blood alcohol level of .08. Really? No wonder my Candy Crush level never go up.
Or better still maybe don’t drive at all? Well the Genting Highlands bus crash on 21st August, last year, still haunts our memories. In fact, buses in general are seen as death traps… and this leads us to our last tip, which we actually recommend, based on actual death figures – what is the safest way to balik kampung then?!?
13. Take a bus.
Want more reasons? Express buses and executive coaches are going to be the main focus of the Road Transport Department’s (RTD) Integrated Operation. Director-General, Datuk Ismail Ahmad, said on Bernama that apart from the operation, undercover officers will be placed on buses to identify driving offences. How cool is that? This Raya, you could be sitting next to an undercover cop. Shhh.
At the same time, Puspakom personnel have been facilitating physical and technical inspections on buses, according to Malay Mail Online. And that’s not all; urine tests have been carried out on bus drivers and their back-ups, and so far, they have tested negative for drugs, reported The Rakyat Post. Phew! Wouldn’t wanna get on a vehicle with a druggie behind the wheel.
Here are a few bus companies you can travel with:
- Delima Express
- First Coach
- Five Stars Executive Express
- Intercity Coach
- Konsortium Bas Ekspres Semenanjung
- Konsortium Transnasional Berhad
- Sani Express
- Starmart Express
Have a safe and AWESOME HARI RAYA, from the CILISOS TEAM!