Weirdness

10 pointless Malaysian news stories in 2015 (So far)

Sometimes you know it’s a slow news day when a news site publishes something that makes you think “Wait, how is THAT news?

While we might think the newspapers are being lazy, this isn’t entirely a new phenomenon and it’s something that happens to news agencies across the world because there.are.just.days.where.nothing.happens. Like today. (At least at time of writing.) Also, we should probably mention that we’re not tembakking the news portal that reported it. It’s just that we happened to find that particular story there.

This article will cover news over the first six weeks of 2015, but if you wanna see some of our other ones here’s coverage of the first 5 months of 2014 and one just for the month of June. We’re also going to be rating them from the least pointless to the most pointless.

So prepare to have your mind blown! by a gentle relaxing breeze of frivolousness

Oh yeah, click on the pictures to read the original articles!

 

10. Square Mandarin oranges this Chinese New Year??!

Legoland to build record 1 888 square mandarin oranges   theSundaily

Click to read!

Ugaiz have heard of square watermelons, right? The insanely expensive ones in Japan that are made just so you save a little bit more space in the fridge?

square-melon

Image from buzzmuseum.com

Well, the Mandarin oranges in Legoland will be somewhat like that, except made out of lego. The goal is to usher in the Chinese New Year with 1,888 of these, with park guests invited to help make them and getting their names listed in the Malaysia Book of Records – you know, to join the ranks of other Malaysian feats of endurance and commitment such as “Largest Dinner Gathering”, “Longest Satay Grill,” and “Largest 1Malaysia Logo Made of Recycled Water Bottles”.

But we do wonder if, like a plastic orange, news such as this has… appeel.

Pointlessness rating: 1/5

 

9. If a tree falls in a forest…

MAS removed fuel surcharges in 2013  but told no one about it   The Rakyat Post   The Rakyat Post

Click to read!

Okay, let’s run through this logically:

  • MAS removed fuel surcharges in 2013. That’s a good thing.
  • They decided not to tell anyone about it. That’s a strange thing.
  • Nobody noticed anything anyway. That’s a reasonable conclusion since it went on for two years without being brought up.
  • It’s suddenly mentioned two years later. That’s a Captain Picard meme time.

58878675

Pointlessness rating: 1.5/5 

 

8. This story will make your egg stand on end

Fenomena telur berdiri sempena Hari  Lup Choon    Galeri Foto   Utusan Online

Klik untuk link!

So this isn’t the first time we’ve seen the news cover the phenomenon of standing eggs during the first day of Spring, despite it already being cracked as an urban legend. In fact, we can almost swear we see at least one news source reporting it every year.

Eggs stand upright on ‘lap chun’ day – BorneoPost Online   Borneo   Malaysia  Sarawak Daily News   Largest English Daily In Borneo

From the Borneo Post, 2014

Archives   The Star Online.

From The Star, 2007

For the most part, you can make your egg stand anytime if you use your hands well enough, and if you get the right kind of egg. The rougher the texture of the shell, the easier it is. Now that’s breaking news!

Pointlessness rating: 1.5/5

 

7.  Najib asked to be like the weird outcast kid at parties

No need for PM to wear garlands during Thaipusam  Perlis mufti says   Malaysia   Malay Mail Online

Click to link!

We honestly feel bad for Najib sometimes. When he does something, he kena whack. When he doesn’t do something, also kena whack 😥 . In this report originally published in Sinar Harian, a religious law official in Perlis said that Najib can attend the celebrations of other religions, but should wear a suit (instead of traditional outfits) and not participate in them.

But more to the point of this article, we wonder how this story even came about. Does the reporter go around looking for someone willing to give some sort of comment, or is it the other way around, where someone goes “Hey Mr. Reporter, I got a quote which might make a good headline. Wanna listen?”?

Pointlessness rating: 2/5

 

6. It looks like in Melaka, the coast is……. clear.

Malacca’s Line Clear get Likes from netizens   New Straits Times

Click to link!

At the mention of “Line Clear,” we would instantly think of the sunny shores of Penang, delicious nasi kandar, and the fact that the famous stall is now in danger of being shut down. But thankfully, there’s a Line Clear in Melaka, which is not only closer for some people, but also not in danger of being raided.

NAH, BACA:
4 Life lessons Malaysia can learn from Jack Ma

Except it’s a totally unrelated restaurant that only happens to share the same name. Yeah.poker_face_meme1

Pointlessness rating: 2.5/5 

 

5. Warning: Drinking petrol might give you gas

I d drink petrol if I could  it s cheaper than Milo ais    The Rakyat Post   The Rakyat Post

Click to link!

It’s no secret that prices ARE going up and people aren’t too happy about it. In fact, we do think that it’s felt by all Malaysians without need for it to be reiterated in the form of interviews with the ordinary Malaysian on the street.

That being said though, we do appreciate the totally boss comment of drinking petrol instead of Milo because it is, ironically, cheaper now. It’s almost as if you can make a campaign out of it.

Drinking petrol is cheaper  says Muslim consumer group   Malaysia   Malay Mail Online

From the Malay Mail Online

Oh wait.

Pointlessness rating: 3/5 

4. This title left us cross-eyed

Najib holds four eyed meeting with Indonesian President   Nation   The Star Online

Click to link!

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa??!

Bear

At first we thought it was a joke reference. Then we thought we read it wrong. But no matter how many times we read that article, we just couldn’t relate it to the title. As it turns out, the Four Eyes Principle is a rule that requires a decision to be authorized by two people. Yep, that’s it.

But now how do we get the image of Najib with hipster glasses out of our heads??

dontsueus

THIS IMAGE IS PHOTOSHOPPED. DON’T SUE US

 Pointlessness rating: 3/5

3. Road have hole. Make jam. Much wow.

Sinkhole along Jalan Bangsar cause for concern   The Rakyat Post   The Rakyat Post

Click to link!

Usually, news coverage of sinkholes on roads is either as part of a collective problem or because they’re insanely big. The Jalan Bangsar sinkhole doesn’t seem to have any claim to fame as far as we can tell other than being located in Bangsar. We’re not sure how other sinkholes feel about this and those that we asked declined to comment.

By the way, sinkholes aren’t the same as potholes. Potholes are on the surface and are shallow while sinkholes happen because the ground underneath the road gives way, and is much deeper, so you definitely won’t want to drive over it.

Pointlessness rating: 4/5

 

2. Lorry fall. Make jam. Much wow.

Overturned lorry causes congestion at Bukit Jalil   New Straits Times

Click to link!

In all other screenshots used in this article, we have to cut the original page off midway so you won’t have to ultrascroll all the way to read the next line of text. Not with this one though. What you see in the screenshot is the entire article. That’s it. Oh well, at least some of us know why there was a jam that day.

nothing-to-do-here-template.jpg.scaled500

Pointlessness rating: 4/5 

 

1. Shiok sendiri website publishes pointless article about pointless news articles

10 pointless Malaysian news stories in 2015  So far    CILISOS   Current Issues Tambah Pedas

Click to link!

This is either takes the cake for a super slow news day or a super lazy writer. It’s basically saying, “Hey ugaiz, come laugh at all these other publications and think we’re so cool for pointing them out trololololol.” We’re not sure if anyone will find this entertaining, but it doesn’t look like it adds anything of value other than something to read while lazing in bed on a Sunday afternoon. In our honest opinion, the writer of this piece should be fired.

a6vdi

Pointlessness rating: 9/5

 

BONUS! Which Ultraman will sure win money in Genting? It’s…… Ultraman ACE.

Persembahan  i Ultraman  i  di Resort World Genting   Wilayah   Utusan Online

Click to link!

Honestly, we weren’t sure if this is pointless or not… if you take it at face value and you don’t like Ultraman, then yes, it’s pointless. But if you take into consideration that an Ultraman book was banned last year and/or you like Ultraman, then no, it’s not pointless.

Either way, we just put this in here because of that awesome joke we came up with in the title *pats self on back*

But on a more serious note, we’ll say again that we aren’t putting any of the news publications linked in this article down because, in the world of fast-paced online news (For example, The Star Online is updated every 5 minutes), you sometimes just gotta report something.

So yea, it’s totally normal and not something to fire a writer over *cough*

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7 Comments

  1. Colin Nathan

    22/02/2015 at 11:32 pm

    Lovely piece of satire. Enjoyed it. Kudos UiHua and CIlisos.

    • Uihua Cheah

      27/02/2015 at 2:56 pm

      Thanks Colin! 😀

  2. Bryan Choo

    09/02/2015 at 4:24 pm

    LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL…I’m thousands of miles away from Malaysia and i still can’t stop reading Cilisos…my roommates are like wondering what is this psychopath laughing so hard…Kudos to Ugaiz for all the awesome articles!

    • UiHua

      11/02/2015 at 11:24 am

      Thanks Bryan! Your comment made our day 😀

    • Uihua Cheah

      11/02/2015 at 11:48 am

      Thanks Bryan! Your comment made our day 😀

    • Bryan Choo

      11/02/2015 at 12:31 pm

      hahahhaa you’re welcome….do continue with them funny articles that will always remind me of good old Malaysia…

    • Uihua Cheah

      12/02/2015 at 4:17 pm

      We’ll do our best! *flexing arm emoji*

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