8 Malaysian news headlines turned into horror movies [2019 edition]

[Spook alert! The events depicted in these movies are fictitious. Any similarities to any person living or dead is merely coincidental. Merely. Cilisos not responsible for PTSD or anxiety after reading.]

It is Halloween, you freaky boys and girls out there!

Just like in 2014, 2015, 2016, (not 2017 ?) and 2018, it is again that time of the year for us to be  s p o o k y. A time to reflect on the horrors of the small world we live in. A time when the veil between the real and the slanderous is at the thinnest. A time… for edited movie posters.

So hit that pause button above, put on your sexy politician costumes, and let’s get the night going with…

 

1. A Car is Born

Starring: Redzuan Yusof, Mahathir ‘Madey’ Mohamad, and four table fans we picked up from the Mr DIY in Paradigm

Synopsis: After winning the GE concert, Madey was touring the hot wastelands of Cheras, looking for the next best thing. While crossing a road, a really old Proton Saga honked at him, startling his brain into thinking… hey, a new car sounds nice. After 45 minutes of filler and shots of Mahathir looking out of a car window, we were introduced to Redzuan, and they clicked after getting onstage and singing “(these potholes are) Shallow” together.

From feeling the song too much, they realized that even the most high tech car can still fall into the many potholes on Malaysian roads, so Redzuan had an epiphany and thought of a flying car. They celebrated the brilliant idea with another singing number, but by this point the synopsis writer really wants to get this movie over with, so he just fast-forwarded the whole thing. Then came an exhibition, where Redzuan unveiled the first ever prototype.

As the other people at the exhibition oohed and aahed over Redzuan’s big reveal, Mahathir’s eyes silently swept over the prototype. He suddenly remembered that the standing fan that was in his office had gone missing a week prior. Mahathir walked out of the exhibition hall. As he got into his car, “I’ll Never Love Again” plays in the background until his eye caught a Sen Heng at an intersection.

Best review: “Hey, my KDK fan went missing too!” – Phillip Alston. [3/10]

 

2. 28 Gays Later

Starring: Mohamadin Ketapi, Mujaheed Rawa, Izwen Mad Yusop, some female extras for the hetero viewers, and about 310,000 unnamed gay extras

Synopsis: The story begins with straight man Mohamadin waking up after a month long coma in a deserted hospital. As he escapes into the streets, he discovered that his worst conservative fears had came true: Malaysia had succumbed into gayness, and homosexuality is running rampant. While being chased by a horde of gay men hungry for fresh meat, Mohamadin was rescued by Mujaheed, who was holing up in an abandoned gay rehabilitation camp. There, he met Izwen, who can do nothing but crouch in a corner, unable to believe that the gays have taken over.

Together with a scantily clad female lead, they set out to find a place where morality still exists. Along the way, they ran into a gay pride parade, where Izwen was touched by an unnaturally hot gay guy. Despite Mujaheed’s attempts to save him through preaching, Izwen was made to realize repressed feelings inside him and they lost him. They pressed on and arrived at a military outpost, thought to be a safe haven at first. However, one night the gay they kept chained in the closet for observation broke loose and played Lady Gaga over the speakers.

It was mayhem. The whole outpost was infected by the gay, and Mohamadin tried to resist, but he was held down by the now gay soldiers. Just as his pants got pulled down… he awoke. It was all a dream, a nightmare that might turn into reality should the gays remain unchecked. The movie ends with Mohamadin going out into the streets and shouting “THERE ARE NO GAYS IN MALAYSIA!” to the sky.

Best review: “It’s a bit scary in the beginning, and I got my butt clenched the whole time in suspense. Especially when the gay escaped the closet. But all in all, this is a good movie with a wholesome message of how dangerous gays can be.” – Hadi. [10/10]

 

3. Kung Food Panda

Starring: Po the Klang Panda, Sayantan ‘The Don’ Das, Syed ‘BabyFace’ Saddiq Corleone, the citizens of the Valley of Klang, and some really soggy fries.

Synopsis: This local remake is a gritty one, and it explores what would’ve happened if Po the Panda had given up his fancy, unrealistic dream of being a Kung Fu master and stuck to the family business of making noodles. Think owning a noodle shop is much easier than being the Dragon Warrior? Think again.

With the passing of his goose father, Po now manages the noodle shop himself, handling the prep, cooking, serving and even deliveries by himself. However, he soon found that a one-man noodle shop is not sustainable in Malaysia’s economy. Faced with looming bankruptcy, Po decided sold off the only thing his father left him to buy a bike and enter the food delivery business. Brushing off his tears, he joined FoodPanda, and for a while things worked out fine. Po’s days are spent by delivering food, and sometimes wondering what could have been.

However, the dark forces that made him let go of the memories of his father returned to haunt his new job. Management introduced a new pay scheme, and Po might be affected. Thinking of his bike’s monthly instalment, Po joined several other FoodPanda warriors to protest, but they were no match for the powerful ‘The Don’ Sayantan. It is then that Syed Saddiq entered the story, but he’s like a filler because the movie needs to be like two hours long. He’s kinda like that pink-haired girl in Naruto.

Anyway, how will Po fare? Will his bike be repossessed? What will he do for the future? Will he ever be able to afford marriage and a family? This film refuses to wrap things up in a neat bow, because the screenwriter is only freelancing and have the same concerns.

Best Review: “I came to take my mind off things and be entertained. Now I need some more Xanax.” – a guy still hoping for a gomen job seven years after graduating. [3/10]

 

4. Fatwa & Furious: Hobbs & Shia

Starring: Assorted Sunnis and Shias. Shia Lebeouf. Lil’ Sushi X. And a fatwa.

Synopsis: From the director of Adnan Sempit’s… nephew, we were treated to a tale of how the Shias and Sunnis lived together in harmony in Malaysia. Well, maybe not harmony, but more like tolerating each other’s presence. Kinda like everything else, actually. Then suddenly the dark side of the government invoked an old fatwa, and a manhunt for Shia began. Is was then that the audience was introduced to Tosrin’s rippling biceps, whose team harassed the Shia in Johor. The Shia in Selangor, on the other hand, got their parties crashed by Shahzihan…’s deputy’s team.

However, it wasn’t enough for their teams. They decided to join forces and crash every Shia party there is in Malaysia, be it birthdays, gender reveals or bachelors. Their reign was swift and brutal, but it unexpectedly came to a halt when they encountered Lil’ Sushi X, a rapper of peace and understanding whose mom was Sunni and whose dad was Shia. Do they arrest him, or let him be? In their confusion, Shia Lebeouf suddenly crawled out through a crack in the ground and screamed “Just Do It!”

Snapped out of their stupor, they decided to arrest Lil’ Sushi X along with his dad, and took them to a small island to be brainwashed rehabilitated. Repentance ensued, and Tosrin finally took off his shirt and flexed his oily pecs for the thirsty audience. Fireworks were lit to commemorate their success, and it all ended with a Shia-free Proton vs Perodua drag race somewhere in Sepang.

Best review: “what is this garbage even” – some bloke from SUHAKAM. [1/10]

 

5. Azmin the Explorer

Starring: D-d-d-d-d-doraAzmin the explorer, Haziq the monkey, Swiper the foxy cikupek, a talking bag and a Google Maps.

Synopsis: A much beloved children’s show now has a local adaptation! Meet Azmin, whose passion is exploring new things, no matter what it is. Together with his trusty sidekick Haziq, a boots-wearing monkey, they go on new and exciting adventures on every episode. The local adaptation, however, takes a step away from the original franchise. Instead of teaching children Spanish, Azmin the Explorer plans to expose children to the inner workings of the Malaysian political arena.

The pilot episode is titled “Azmin Goes to Sabah”. It starts with Azmin receiving an invite to go to Sabah, and him asking the map how to get there. “If there’s a place you gotta go, I’m the one you need to kn- at the roundabout, take the third exit into Jelen KLIA2” sang the map. “Vamos, Haziq!” cries Azmin. Haziq jumps on Azmin’s back, and together they trotted off to the airport. After some adventures on a plane, they reached Sabah.

Sadly, Haziq got separated from Azmin at the hotel. Haziq turns to the viewers. “Can you click on where Azmin is staying?” We never knew what happened for the next three minutes, because FINAS cut that part. When we saw them again, Haziq and allegedly Azmin is on the bed together. Allegedly-Azmin froze. “Do you hear something?” he asks the viewers. That’s when we see Swiper, hiding in front of the bed with a camera. “Oh no! Swiper, no recording! Swiper, no recording!”

“Awww man!” Swiper snaps his fingers in mock frustration. “I already got the footage, suckers,” The next few minutes details the shitstorm that followed the leaked video. Inexplicably, Azmin and Haziq starts dancing the ‘We did it!’ dance, followed by people off screen saying they sure did. They sure did.

Best Review: “Nahhh, it’s a good show and all, but we’d rather air no less than 12 hours of GoShop. Gotta get that bread. Did you guys try TV AlHijrah?” – TV9 Executive. [8/10]

 

6. How to Train Your Jawi

Starring: Maszlee, Dong Zong and the letter ‘nga’

Synopsis: Just as the film’s storyline wandered off from the book it was based from, this Malaysian special collector’s edition remake went a step further by driving off the road and into a ditch. The story follows a young Viking named Maszlee, who was weak but very handy with his words. During a dragon raid (oh right, like, their village gets attacked by dragons or something), Maszlee encountered a Night Fury, the most deadly and elusive dragon there is.

With his progressive education pedadogy, he managed to interest the dragon into learning. For some reason, the dragon’s name in the script was PTA (pronounced puh-taa), but in the movie it was called Toothless. Anyway, due to his village’s aversion to dragons, Maszlee kept his relationship with Toothless hidden, and Maszlee spent many a happy day teaching Toothless to sit, roll over and perform advanced calculus.

At the same time, Maszlee’s secretive behavior raised the suspicion of an Asian village girl named Dong Zong. Unfortunately, Dong Zong caught Maszlee and Toothless in the middle of a lesson about the Jawi script. Dong Zong, filled with horror, ran back to the village and to tell everyone that Maszlee is radicalizing the dragons and teaching them to suicide bomb their village. An alarmed Maszlee and Toothless caught Dong Zong and tried to explain, but Dong Zong refused to listen until they took her for a ride in the clouds above. Oh, and promising to make jawi teaching optional for dragons.

Happy ending. The end.

Best Review: “This film totally misquoted me. It twisted my words. But it’s not like it hadn’t happened before.” – Maszlee. [5.5/10]

 

7. Superman Hew: The Comic Edition

Starring: Kal-Hew, Ling Lane, and the people. Always the people.

Plot: It’s a bird! It’s a plane! Nope, it’s actually just Superman Hew… again. Hailing from a doomed planet named Krypton, Kal-Hew was raised by his foster parents, Jinathan and Marthir Kent in the small town of Smallville. As he grew up, he developed superpowers, and he vowed to use them for good. To protect his identity, he fashioned a costume, but it seems that the diamond S had already been taken by another superhero with a similar name. To avoid lawsuits, which are his kryptonite, he mirrored the logo.

So if you notice the logo is flipped, it’s totally not because the poster maker sucks at Photoshop at all. Nay, it’s a precaution against horrible copyright laws. And boy does he know copyright, for Kal-Hew’s strength lay not in going faster than a speeding bullet, nor having the strength of a thousand men. His gift is one of persuasion, which he conveys through authoring comic books for children. But power comes at a great price. Despite his abilities, Jinathan and Marthir’s marriage gradually become as spiceless as oatmeal, and Kal-Hew, trying to make it right, used his power for personal gain: convincing everyone that his parents’ relationship was as good as ever.

But not everyone wants to believe that. Hew’s agenda was sniffed out by Gotham’s police, and Commissioner Gordon decided to stop Hew from trying to pollute the minds of the children of Wakanda through his comics. Wait a minute… something’s off. Anyway, Kal-Hew’s comics were confiscated, and… you know what, Batman’s a lot more interesting. Better color scheme and villains. Let’s not waste time on Superman and wait for the next Batman movie. Or anything from Marvel.

Best review: “I agree. Superman’s not all great anyway.” – Lex Luthor. [-2/10]

 

 

Bonus Video Game Edition – The Elder Scrolls: Kashmir

Starring: You, the player.

Synopsis: You are Madey-kin, the only Dragonborn left in this world with the power to understand the ancient dragon language ‘hkat’, and you find yourself in a world in turmoil. Inside your own region of Malaisiarth, political divide and economic recession threaten your people. But you being you ignore the main quests so you end up with the side quest.

The side quest surrounds the ancient region of Kashmir, split between the Indiaral Legion and the Stormcloak Nord people in Windhelmstan. Siding with the Stormcloaks, you lead a rebel army to fight the Legion and on the way, you found the most powerful weapon, able to tilt the war in the Stormcloaks favour. Amidst exploring the Cave of the Un, you come across… Blade of Twitter.

With your new found weapon, you set forth in battle, yelling out, “KASHMIR BELONGS TO THE NORDS!“.

*insert intense gameplay trailer here*

Best Review: “5/10 too many bugs,” – CILIGN

 

So there you have it. 7 spine-chilling and nose-blowing posters you can print out and hang on your bedroom walls. Were you scared at any of them? We sure were, because we might get a lawyer’s letter soon. Don’t forget to brush your teeth!